But For the Grace of God
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Batman is kidnapped by the Rogues Gallery of Gotham City in an attempt to reveal his secret identity and discover what made him into the Dark Knight. This was suggested by a Guest Reviewer, so thanks, and hope you enjoy it! :-)


**But For the Grace of God**

It was a quiet night in Gotham City. Too quiet, thought Batman, as he scanned the skyline. He hadn't heard any rumors about any jobs planned for tonight. None of the supercriminals were up to their usual tricks. Even the petty criminals seemed to have taken the night off. And Batman didn't like it.

The night was too still and peaceful like this, and he had too much time to think. When he was fighting criminals, he thought, naturally. He thought about how to beat them. How to gain the upper hand. How to outsmart them. But now his thoughts were unfocused and wandering, and they began to remember.

There was something about darkness and the night that brought fears and failures to light, like a moth to a flame. And Batman suddenly felt his biggest fear shudder through his whole frame. If he succeeded in his ultimate aim, in a peaceful and crime-free Gotham, this would be every night for him. Boring, empty, lonely, and full of fear.

Fear. What was he afraid of? Well, being purposeless, naturally. Not having sense or meaning to his life. Isn't that what everybody feared? It wasn't an uncommon fear, but Batman's purpose was certainly uncommon. To eliminate crime. It was a goal that was impossible to fulfill, so his fear would never be realized. He was safe. In the midst of the greatest danger, he was safe, because at least if he died, he died fighting. The worst thing imaginable for him was the end of the fight. His ultimate victory would result in something worse than death. And he was terrified of it.

Why was he suddenly so afraid of things? He looked out at the night sky and felt fear and panic seizing his heart. There was no reason for that. No reason…

"Hello, Batman," murmured a voice.

Batman whirled around to see the Scarecrow standing behind him. His eyes narrowed. "Fear gas," Batman hissed.

"Yes, just a small dose," replied Scarecrow, smiling and nodding. "Mixed with a little something to make you sleep. Well, you didn't think we'd all just given up the fight, did you?" he asked.

"No, I…didn't…" Batman clutched his head as the whole world suddenly spun around him. And then he sank to the ground and the world went dark.

…

Batman awoke hazily to the sound of voices. Voices he knew. "It's terribly rude of them to be late for this very important date."

That was Jervis Tetch, also known as the Mad Hatter. Batman could see him seated around a table, pouring a cup of tea for himself, and one for his companion, Jonathan Crane, the Scarecrow.

"Well, they are mostly terribly rude people, you know, Jervis," sighed Crane, taking the cup from him.

There was a single lamp burning on the table, and it kept most of the room in shadows, except for the fireplace at one end. Batman could only see the table and several chairs surrounding it. He noticed that his arms, hands, and legs were tied, and immediately began looking around for something to cut the ropes on. Tetch and Crane didn't appear to notice that he was conscious again – they were looking toward the door.

It opened suddenly, and Two-Face stormed in, shaking the rain off his coat. "Good evening, Mr. Dent. Would you like a cup of tea?" asked Tetch, standing up and offering him a cup.

"Get that crap outta my face!" growled Two-Face. "How's tea gonna help warm you up on a night like this?! I need something stronger. Fortunately I brought my own booze," he growled, removing a bottle of scotch from his pocket and sitting down.

"Any reason for the foul mood, Harvey?" asked Crane. "You should be happy tonight of all nights. The unmasking of Batman is something we've all been waiting a long time for."

"None of your goddamn business, Crane!" snapped Two-Face, taking a drink out of the bottle.

"It wouldn't have anything to do with Miss Ivy, would it?" asked Crane, casually.

"Why do you say that?" demanded Two-Face.

"You have…uh…green lipstick on your face," said Crane, gesturing to his cheek.

Two-Face snarled, wiping his cheek in annoyance. "Yeah. We had a fight. I just ain't looking forward to having to see her."

"Well, it would have been very impolite not to invite her for this, Harvey," said Crane. "Anyway, at least the clowns won't be here tonight. Thank heaven for small mercies."

Two-Face took another swig from the bottle. "You sure they don't know about this?" he growled.

"Absolutely positive," said Crane, nodding. "I was very select about the people I told, and I swore them all to secrecy."

"That don't mean nothing," retorted Two-Face. "The clowns have a habit of finding stuff out, especially if you don't want them to. And for showing up univited, like the nasty surprises they are."

"I hope you're not talking about me, Harvey," said Poison Ivy, entering the room suddenly and shaking the rain out of her hair.

"I was talking about the clowns," retorted Two-Face. "But it works for you too."

Ivy smiled. "I apologize for Harvey's bad mood, which I guess is my fault," she sighed, sitting down next to him. "But sometimes men just can't get the concept of 'I've had enough' into their thick skulls. I'm sure you boys know how it is," she said, nodding at Crane and Tetch.

"Um…no," stammered Crane.

"They probably also don't know how women give mixed signals all the goddamn time," snapped Two-Face. "In a lotta ways, you two are lucky to be gay."

"We're not gay," retorted Crane.

"Really? I thought you and the Hat guy were a couple," said Two-Face, nodding at Tetch. "Well, that's what I heard from J anyway."

"Why would you ever take a word that man says seriously?" asked Tetch.

Two-Face shrugged. "It isn't the most unlikely thing he's ever said."

"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Crane.

"Oh, c'mon, Crane, you two are drinking tea, for Christ's sake!" shouted Two-Face.

"I'd like a cup of tea, please," said Ivy.

"My point exactly," growled Two-Face.

"I need it made with artificial chemicals, so no plants were harmed in the making of it," continued Ivy. "Do you have any like that?"

"Um…I don't believe such a thing as artificial tea exists," said Tetch, slowly.

"I make it," retorted Ivy.

"Then perhaps you should have brought some if you're going to make special demands," snapped Tetch.

"And perhaps I should teach you a lesson for drinking my babies!" shouted Ivy.

"Oh, give it up, Pammie!" yelled Two-Face. "That tea didn't come from your womb, so it ain't your baby!"

"I certainly hope it didn't," muttered Tetch.

"What are you implying about my womb?" demanded Ivy.

"Could we all just calm down?" asked Crane, slowly. "We shouldn't be fighting among ourselves tonight of all nights."

Everyone sat down slowly. "Who else are we expecting?" growled Two-Face, taking another drink. "Riddler?"

"Mr. Nygma, Mr. Freeze, and Mr. Cobblepot," said Crane.

"No clowns?" asked Ivy. "Thank God."

"No clowns," replied Crane, firmly. "Unless you happened to let something slip to Harley?"

"I'm not that stupid," retorted Ivy. "If the Joker found out about this, it would ruin everything. You know how much he's in love with Batman. He'd try to protect him from us, and stop us from exposing his secret identity and then killing him."

Well, at least he knew their plan now, thought Batman. That was the useful thing about his enemies – they always had to discuss the details of their schemes, and reveal their entire plot through monologues. The Joker was the worst for that, or, from Batman's point of view, the best. He looked discreetly around the room again for some way out of the situation.

The door opened at the moment and the Penguin entered the room, putting down his umbrella. "Evening, all!" he said, cheerfully. "How is our gallery of rapscallious rogues this fine night? Ready for the ultimate humiliation of our caped adversary?"

"Yeah, waiting on you," growled Two-Face.

"And Freeze and Nygma," said Crane.

"Mr. Freeze was right behind me," said Penguin, going over to the fire burning in the grate and warming his hands. "I haven't seen Mr. Nygma."

"You should probably give him a call, Johnny," said Ivy. "We really need to start this thing before Bats wakes up."

The door opened again and Mr. Freeze entered, giving the room a slight nod in greeting. He sat down in the corner away from the fire, folding his arms across his chest. Crane picked up the phone and dialled a number.

"Hello?" said a voice on the other end. It wasn't the Riddler's voice. It was the Joker's.

"Oh…sorry, Joker, wrong number," stammered Crane. "I was just trying to reach Edward Nygma…"

"Eddie's just had some slight car trouble," chuckled Joker.

"Oh…is he all right?" asked Crane.

"Nah, not really," retorted Joker. "I mean, the trouble was the car ran him over. Twice. But that's what he gets for not cooperating with me when I asked him to. Anyway, he's still alive if that's what you're asking, but he's in no condition to attend your little get-together now. Harley's just used the same car that ran him over to rush him to the hospital. So he'll be fine. Which is more than I can say for the rest of you morons trying to keep this party from me. No one throws a party without inviting the Joker."

"I…don't know what you're talking about…" stammered Crane.

"Oh, don't play dumb with me, Johnny! Although frankly, you are an idiot. Did you really think you could keep Batsy's unmasking party from me? Harley and I are on our way there now, and if you even think of trying to move it, I'll find you and make the bullying you suffered as a child look like loving cuddles from your Mommy! Get me?"

"Y…yes, sir," stammered Crane, hanging up the phone. He turned to look at the other rogues. "Jokerscoming," he murmured quickly.

"What?" asked Ivy.

Crane drew a deep breath. "The Joker is coming," he repeated slowly.

The room was thrown into an uproar. "What?! How the hell could you let this happen?! He'll ruin everything!"

"I didn't let it happen!" shouted Crane. "He found out…somehow, and just invited himself! Pretty damn rude if you ask me."

"How long have we got?" demanded Ivy. "We gotta grab the Bat and get outta here."

"He said he's on the way," grumbled Crane, sitting back down. "Fleeing won't help. We just need to sit tight and try not to let him spoil things. We outnumber him, after all. If he misbehaves, we'll just…eject him from the room."

"Who will?" asked Two-Face.

"Well, not me – I have weak arms," retorted Crane. "Victor can do it."

"Why would we not simply beat the Joker at his own game and unmask Batman before he arrives?" asked Freeze, quietly. "It would certainly put him out."

Everyone was silent. "That's a great idea, Victor!" exclaimed Ivy, leaping to her feet. "No ceremony, and no putting this off any longer. We'll just do it right now."

She approached Batman, who was trying to decide how best to attack her. He couldn't hit her with his arms and legs bound, but he might be able to headbutt her and go from there.

Ivy had her hand on his mask and Batman was about to open his eyes when suddenly Ivy's wrist was seized and ripped away. "Hands off, Weed Lady, he's mine!" chuckled a familiar voice.

"How did you get in here?" demanded Crane as the Joker and Harley Quinn emerged from the shadows behind Batman.

"Window," said Joker, nodding.

"What window?" asked Crane.

"The one I just made with the acid," said Joker. "Well, you didn't think I'd be stupid enough to come through the front door into a room full of certified psychopaths, did you?" he laughed. "What kinda idiot do you think I am? Don't answer that if you don't wanna be shot in the face!" he chuckled, as Harley helped him off with his coat and hat.

"Sorry we're late…" he continued.

"You weren't invited," growled Crane.

"We would have been here sooner, but we passed by the circus on the way over and had to kill the clowns," said Joker, ignoring him.

"Mr. J and me don't like clowns," said Harley.

Everyone stared at them. "But…why…don't you…aren't you clowns yourself?" asked Crane slowly.

"Yeah, which means it's our thing," retorted Harley. "We don't like other people trying to impersonate us."

"And you should have heard the crowd screaming for more!" laughed Joker. "Great audience, lemme tell ya. Laughed themselves to death! But I'll always put my Batty nemesis first," he sighed, patting Batman on the head. "He's still out, huh? Maybe I better wake him up. Yoo hoo, Batsy! Rise and shine!" he shouted, shaking him violently and screaming in his ear.

"We don't want him awake yet!" snapped Crane, shoving Joker away. At least, that was what Batman thought he said, but it took him a while to get hearing back in the ear Joker had shouted into. "If he wakes up with his mask still on, you know he'll find a way to somehow escape our clutches! We have to do this while he's still unconscious, or he'll beat us all to a pulp!"

"Well, no hurry, is there, Johnny?" chuckled Joker, clapping him on the back. "If that didn't wake him up, nothing will! Let's just sit down and have a drink and a friendly chat! Hatty, is that tea I see?" he asked, gesturing to the teapot.

"Um…yes. Would you like a cup?" asked Tetch, slowly.

"Yeah, but only to throw in Pammie's face!" chuckled Joker. "I'm just kidding – great to see ya again, toots," he said, waving at her. "Harvey, hi! Pengers, long time no see! Victor! You're looking…cold."

"I do not feel cold," retorted Freeze. "I do not feel anything."

"Hey, good for you!" said Joker, smiling. "Anyone got anything good to drink around here?"

Two-Face handed him the bottle of scotch. "Got a glass?" asked Joker.

"You think I got cooties?" demanded Two-Face.

"Yeah. Plant cooties," Joker said, nodding. "Who knows what kinda soil that Weed's been planted in? No offense, Pammie," he said, smiling at Ivy.

"I can guarantee it's a helluva lot better soil than Harley's used to," growled Ivy.

"Aw, thanks for the offer, Red, but I don't garden," said Harley, smiling at her.

"Nobody was talking about gardening, you dumb blonde," retorted Joker.

"Yes, you were, puddin', you were talking about weeds and soil…" began Harley.

"Look, can we not all fight tonight?" demanded Crane. "Tonight is meant to be about unity. We're all united in our hatred for Batman, and we will all soon be united in the knowledge of his secret identity."

"Anyone wanna take any bets on who he is?" asked Joker, pulling out a notepad and pencil. "I'm putting fifty bucks on him being Commissioner Gordon."

"Gordon?" repeated Two-Face. "No, that's impossible, everyone's seen Batman and Gordon together."

Joker tapped his nose. "That's why you'd never suspect the truth, Harvey."

"J, that's an idiotic bet," retorted Ivy.

"Then take me up on it, Plant Lady," chuckled Joker. "Or offer another suggestion."

"He's gonna be some loon nobody's ever heard of," retorted Ivy. "Obviously. You can't be in the spotlight and have a secret identity. It would be impossible to conceal from the press and the media."

"Superfreak!" exclaimed Joker, writing down another name. "Wouldn't that be a twist? If Superman and Batman were the same guy!"

"Again, we've seen them together," retorted Two-Face.

"Have you? Or have you only thought you have?" asked Joker.

Two-Face glared at him. "If Batman were Superman, why wouldn't he use his super powers to fight us? He'd win easily, and save countless lives."

"So maybe he's secretly a psychopath," chuckled Joker. "Who knows how the alien mind works?"

"He's definitely a human," murmured Crane. "Only a human could be that truly insane. Well, name an alien who's more psychotic than you, Joker."

"There ain't one," chuckled Joker. "Any other bets?"

"Bruce Wayne," said Harley.

"Don't be ridiculous, Harley," snapped Two-Face. "That's the stupidest one yet! I know Bruce Wayne. He's a good guy. Not some crazy, costumed nutjob!"

"Now Harvey, all my dearest friends are crazy, costumed nutjobs," retorted Joker, grinning.

"Yes. What do you suppose could have driven him to such a desperate act?" asked Crane, quietly. "Dressing up as a bat and fighting crime."

"Some people are just crazy, Johnny," sighed Joker.

"Most people are driven crazy," retorted Crane. "In my case, for example. I was not born the Scarecrow. I became him through years of humiliation and bullying. Years of cowering in fear until I could bear it no longer, and determined to have revenge by spreading that same fear to everyone. My crusade was born through years of mental and physical abuse. Do you think the same thing created the Batman?"

"No," growled Two-Face. "Or he wouldn't go around being a bully himself by beating people up. Anyway, there's the whole fighting crime thing to consider. I used to do that. I know the kinda mindset you need for that. The guy obviously suffered the effects of a horrible crime at some point in his life. Someone close to him was murdered or attacked or something, and that drove him crazy."

"Yeah, that's what happened to me," said Joker, nodding.

"Mr. J, I thought you didn't remember your past before the accident," said Harley, surprised.

"I remember different versions of it," retorted Joker. "And in one of 'em, my Dad got offed by the mob."

"Aw, poor puddin'!" cooed Harley, cuddling against him and hugging him tightly.

"On his birthday," continued Joker. "Which was also my birthday. And he never even made me a cake. Just tragic, really," he sighed, wiping away a fake tear.

"I think you're making that up, J," retorted Ivy.

"He is not, Red, can't you see how painful this is for him to remember?" demanded Harley. "There, there, puddin', your Harley girl is here for you," she whispered, kissing him.

"Loss of love is a powerful motivator," murmured Jervis Tetch quietly. "The loss of my love is what drove me to my life of crime. I never meant to hurt anyone, especially not Alice, and honestly not her fiance, but when they forced my hand, what else could I do? I would go mad without the girl's love. Quite, quite mad."

"Yeah, love drives you crazy, all right," retorted Ivy. "I mean, look at Harley."

"What about me?" demanded Harley.

"You're the Joker's pathetic doormat," retorted Ivy. "And he doesn't even respect you."

"Why should I respect her?" asked Joker. "She's a useless waste of space."

"That's just puddin's way of saying he loves me," explained Harley. "He's such a kidder sometimes."

While the conversation was going on, Batman had slowly begun to slide across the room, heading for the poker by the fireplace and intending to cut the ropes on it. He continued to listen.

"I admit love makes you do stupid things," agreed Ivy. "I mean, I was stupid enough to trust a guy when he said he loved me. I was stupid enough to wanna do anything for him. Which meant testing some plant toxins on myself to help his research. I mean, I don't regret it or anything, and I wouldn't trade the bond I have with plants now for anything in the world. But maybe it's…not the way I saw my life panning out," she sighed.

"Aw, sorry, Pammie, did your life collapse before your eyes at its peak?" growled Two-Face. "I have no idea what that would be like. Oh wait, now I remember – I used to be the best DA this city ever saw, until an accident left my face and my personality split in half! So don't look for sympathy for your sob story here. At least you had a reason for your transformation, however stupid it might have been."

"Some of us were born looking like monsters," spoke up Penguin. "None of you have any idea what it's like to be a part of the richest, most respected family in Gotham…"

"Except for the Waynes," said Joker, grinning.

"The richest, most respected family in Gotham," repeated Penguin, firmly. "Only to be hidden away from birth as a disgrace based only on appearance. Is it any wonder that my life became entangled with other undesirables? They were the only people who accepted me for who I am."

"Yeah, fell in with a bad crowd, huh?" sighed Joker. "That's what happened to me too. See, I was an innocent, bright, promising chemical engineer, with my whole future before me. But I lost my job and fell on hard times, and I had to make ends meet for my large family all on my own, since my wife was blind and crippled…"

"You had a wife?" interrupted Harley, eyes narrowing in anger.

"Yes, she was blind and crippled, but I loved her despite that," continued Joker. "And so did our children…"

"Children?" repeated Harley, getting angrier.

"Yes, Harley, I did have a life before you, y'know," snapped Joker. "So anyway, one night these suspicious looking guys come up to me and offer me a huge wad of cash to break into this place called Ace Chemicals. And I thought I'd have to be crazy to refuse them…"

"How many kids do you have?" snapped Harley. "And where are they now?"

"Stop interrupting the story, you dumb blonde," retorted Joker.

"How many kids do you have?" she repeated.

Joker shrugged. "I dunno…six? Eight? Some even number."

"Eight?!" shrieked Harley. "Why are you just telling me all this now?!"

"Because he's making it up, Harley," retorted Ivy.

"What was your wife's name?" demanded Harley.

Joker stared at her. "Uh…Har…leen…Kinsella."

"The bitch stole my name _and _my guy?!" shrieked Harley. "Where is she now, Mr. J?! I'm gonna find her and kill her!"

"Y'know, J, for a guy who's meant to be a comedian, your improvisation is crap," muttered Two-Face, grabbing the bottle of scotch back.

"What about you, Victor?" asked Ivy, turning to Freeze. "I mean, I guess we all know you went into crime because of your wife."

"Yes," murmured Freeze.

"What was Nora like before she was frozen?" asked Tetch, softly.

"She was…is…the most beautiful woman in the world," murmured Freeze.

"I think you'll find that Alice is…" began Tetch.

"She was a dancer," continued Freeze. "She used to dance in the snow. She was such a beautiful dancer."

"Yeah, so was my wife," said Joker, nodding.

"I thought you said she was crippled," snapped Ivy.

"Yeah. That's why she was crippled," retorted Joker. "Dancing accident. Tore her ligaments. Both of 'em. Never recovered."

"What…happened to her?" asked Crane, gently, turning to Freeze. "Why is she…frozen now?"

Freeze looked at him, and then stared into the fire. "She had…has…terminal cancer," he murmured. "It caused her to…lose our baby."

"Oooh, good one!" chuckled Joker. "Yeah, that happened to me too," he sighed. Everyone turned to look at him.

"I don't think anything tragic has happened to you, J," retorted Two-Face. "I think you're just nuts. Unlike the rest of us. I mean, we may be crazy now, but…y'know…stuff made us this way. Just like stuff made Batman the way he is, I guess."

"Well, whatever happened to Bats can't be more tragic than Freeze," murmured Ivy.

"Hey, let's not hand out most tragic medals, all right?" sighed Two-Face. "I think we'll all probably win one."

"Mine's the worst of all!" sobbed Harley. "My puddin' had kids with another dame and didn't tell me until tonight! And he won't…he won't…even marry me!" she sobbed, bursting into tears.

She buried her face in her hands and cried loudly. Everyone else in the room stared down at the floor, looking glum and feeling depressed, except for the Joker, who just smiled at the misery of everyone else.

Suddenly, Batman tore through the last of the ropes and leapt to his feet, priming a Batarang. Everyone raised their heads to look at him, and then Crane sighed. "What's the point of fighting?" he snapped, holding out his wrists. "Let's just go."

"Yes, I, for one, am too morose for mayhem," sighed the Penguin, holding up his hands.

"And Arkham is lovely this time of year," agreed Tetch, raising his hands too.

Everyone else muttered sentiments to that effect, except for Harley, who just kept sobbing, and the Joker, who stood up, smiling. "You can thank me later, Bats," he said, grinning at him. "But I just pulled one of the greatest jokes of my career. The joke on these losers was that they never got to find out who you are. And the joke on you is that you owe your secret identity to me. I'll call in the favor someday, wait and see!" he chuckled. "Now let's cheer up those gloomy faces!" he giggled, spraying a cloud of Joker toxin from his buttonhole.

By the time the gas cleared and Batman had applied the antidote to himself and the other rogues, the Joker had disappeared.

It took a couple trips to drop the rogues off at Arkham, but they weren't going anywhere. Batman assured himself that their unwillingness to fight was only temporary, and that they would be their usual, antagonistic selves soon enough. At least, he hoped they would be. He felt fear clutching at his heart again, fear which was thankfully relieved when Ivy called Joker a backstabbing son of a bitch, which resulted in a fistfight with Harley until they were dragged off by the guards.

Batman returned to the Batcave later, taking off his mask. "Long night tonight, sir," commented Alfred.

"Yeah," agreed Bruce, studying his mask. "It's funny, Alfred. I know my enemies so well, but sometimes I…forget that they weren't always who they are now. Something happened to make them who they are. Just like something happened to me."

"The difference of course being, sir, that whilst they attempt to do harm to atone for the harm done to them, you attempt to do good," said Alfred. "Two wrongs never make a right, sir. You know that. They do not."

Bruce nodded. "After…my parents died, Alfred…I was so angry. Upset too, but mostly…angry. Angry at how powerless I was, angry at their murderer…if I had seen him again, right at the start, when I first became Batman…I might have killed him. For a long time I wanted to find him to kill him. But something in my better nature held me back. Maybe a conscience or a heart or morality…call it what you want. But it felt wrong in the end to kill, to do to someone else what had been done to me. To have a life taken away, however corrupted…that didn't feel right to me. But who's to say that…if things had been different…I wouldn't be out there now, doing what they're doing?"

Alfred was silent. "There is a saying, sir," he murmured. "There, but for the grace of God, go I. Perhaps we do not always understand why one person becomes a killer and one does not. Why one man succeeds where another fails. Why one man is a hero, and another a villain. Philosophers do debate morality and conscience, and whether that is something naturally inside you, or something that is taught, or forced upon you. I don't suppose we shall ever know the answer. So I content myself with the knowledge that you, sir, are a good man. And the knowledge that there, but for the grace of God, go they."

Bruce nodded slowly. "Except the Joker," he added, smiling.

"I should not like to speculate what would happen to the world if the Joker were in God's good graces," retorted Alfred, dryly.

Bruce smiled again. "And with that very horrifying thought, I'm going to bed," he said, heading for the stairs.

**The End**


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